School Daze

This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work.

This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work.

And I cried. 

I know I've been in recovery mode for the past few months, and I've been allowing myself to feel all the feelings associated with grief.  I thought I was finally in the acceptance stage.  However, while crying in the bathroom at work this morning, I realized that I'm not there yet.  Something about learning that a new semester just started was very triggering for me.  I remembered that I was supposed to take off this week to help my kid transition to high school, and that wasn't going to happen.  I cried for all the other experiences that we wouldn't have together.  I cried because I missed her.  I cried because she's still in my heart.

I have never experienced the loss of a baby, but I imagine that what I am feeling might be similar to what a mother of a stillborn child might feel.  For months, I prepared to welcome this child into my life with a mix of high hopes and realistic expectations.  My tribe was equally excited.  She was welcomed and loved as part of my family even before she arrived.  However, her presence was short-lived.  

The loss of my child was heartbreaking and felt like the ultimate rejection, especially when combined with other examples of what I saw as failed relationships in my life.  Thankfully, my therapist helped me reframe that rejection last week.  What I interpreted as rejection was really just a mismatch.  We wanted different things.

I saw a school bus on my way home today, and I smiled.  I pray that this is a good school year for all of the students, especially my Sunshine.