That Mother Lode

This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work. This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work. And I cried.  I know I've been in recovery mode for the past few months, and I've been allowing myself to feel all the feelings associated with grief.  I thought I was finally in the acceptance stage.  However, while crying in the bathroom at work this morning, I realized that I'm not there yet.  Something about learning that a new semester just started was very triggering for me.  I remembered that I was supposed to take off this week to help my kid transition to high school, and that wasn't going to happen.  I cried for all the other experiences that we wouldn't have together.  I cried because I missed her.  I cried because she's still in my heart. I have never experienced the loss of a baby, but I imagine that what I am feeling might be similar to what a mother of a stillborn child might feel.  For months, I prepared to welcome this child into my life with

Me: I just got a call about another investigation... Until a few minutes ago, I was planning to restart the adoption process at the end of the summer. Now, I have doubts. My friend: One bad boyfriend doesn't make you not want to have another one and potentially get married some day, right?  You can't exist as a human being with so much love to give if you don't actually practice giving it, without contingencies. Some will know how to receive it and some won't but YOU can't stop giving it. God, the universe, Abba Father will always cup your heart but a little break will happen. Don't be afraid of it.  Today was a day.  I was surprised to learn that a second licensing investigation was opened on my home.  The first investigation a few weeks ago was about supervision related to the multiple runaway attempts made from my home.  The second investigation was about discipline in my home.  Apparently, the kid reported lies about me, and the investigator had to talk to m

Today made 3 weeks since I opened my home to a child that was on my heart for months.  The past 3 weeks started out challenging, which I expected as we adjusted to each other.  I clung to the small moments when I felt like we might be connecting or she liked something that I did for her.  However, those moments were rare.  Instead, there was a lot of disrespect, defiance, and destruction.  She exhibited behaviors that her caseworker and previous foster mother had never seen, and she hated that she was in my home.  I didn't take it personally, because I knew that I didn't say or do anything to hurt her, and I was intentional about loving her.  She just didn't want to be with me, and she acted out in ways that had a very negative impact for her.   The placement ended this week.  When I received the notification from my case manager, I was both relieved and sad.  I was relieved that there would be peace again in my home, and the drama would end.  However, I was sad that I woul

It's been 5 days since Sunshine was placed in my home. I went from 0 to 14 in a matter of hours. She arrived at my home with her caseworker, and my heart ached for her, because she was sad about moving from a place where she had lived for 4 years. I knew it would be tough for her, so I tried to make my home as welcoming as possible. We've experienced ups and downs over the past few days, and I know there's so much more to come. I feel overwhelmed. My village has really stepped up to affirm me and let me know that I am not doingthis by myself. Tiny victories: She thought she didn't like dogs. However, she made an instant connection with my dog as soon as they met. She introduced me to " Chicago " by Michael Jackson, and then she told me about Just Dance on YouTube. We danced together to Thriller, Beat It, and she attempted Smooth Criminal on her own. She told me she doesn't eat breakfast and lunch at school, because it's "disgusting". When I a

I just received the email that I've been waiting on for months . The redacted file is ready for me to review. AND, my kid's foster placement is ending in a few weeks. My adoption coordinator asked if I'm ready to make our move happen now. We're working on the details now. I'm so nervous and excited!

I remember when Kanye West said, "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on live TV after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. If I had the same platform, I would say, "The child welfare system doesn't care about children." Everyone knows that the system is broken. Social workers are underpaid and given unbearable caseloads. Children are left in unsafe homes. Foster parents and agencies see kids as paychecks. Mental health/trauma recovery resources are insufficient. The list goes on and on. The problems are obvious to anyone with eyes to see and ears to hear. It is worse than you think. Anyone with a heart knows that things should be better for our kids. If we truly believe that children are the future and they all deserve to be loved and nurtured, then we would not have the system that is currently in place. We should do everything in our power to give them the support they need to be their best instead of being treated as just another number. I am g