Don't Be Afraid

Me: I just got a call about another investigation... Until a few minutes ago, I was planning to restart the adoption process at the end of the summer. Now, I have doubts.

My friend: One bad boyfriend doesn't make you not want to have another one and potentially get married some day, right?  You can't exist as a human being with so much love to give if you don't actually practice giving it, without contingencies. Some will know how to receive it and some won't but YOU can't stop giving it. God, the universe, Abba Father will always cup your heart but a little break will happen. Don't be afraid of it. 

Today was a day.  I was surprised to learn that a second licensing investigation was opened on my home.  The first investigation a few weeks ago was about supervision related to the multiple runaway attempts made from my home.  The second investigation was about discipline in my home.  Apparently, the kid reported lies about me, and the investigator had to talk to me to get my side.  Although she told me that the kid's story had inconsistencies, and the investigation would be closed, it didn't make me feel any better. I opened my home specifically for this kid, and I gave her everything that she needed.  She was unable to accept my love and care.  Just because our placement didn't work, doesn't mean that there isn't someone else who wants me to be their mother and will love being in my home.

Everyone involved in my case - from case workers to investigators to adoption managers to other foster parents and loved ones - has encouraged me not to let this negative experience stop me from helping other kids in the system. I adamantly told them I wouldn't quit. Learning about today's investigation though broke my spirit.  I'm grateful that my friend was able to console me and remind me not to give up.