No pain, no gain?

Today made 3 weeks since I opened my home to a child that was on my heart for months.  The past 3 weeks started out challenging, which I expected as we adjusted to each other.  I clung to the small moments when I felt like we might be connecting or she liked something that I did for her.  However, those moments were rare.  Instead, there was a lot of disrespect, defiance, and destruction.  She exhibited behaviors that her caseworker and previous foster mother had never seen, and she hated that she was in my home.  I didn't take it personally, because I knew that I didn't say or do anything to hurt her, and I was intentional about loving her.  She just didn't want to be with me, and she acted out in ways that had a very negative impact for her.  

The placement ended this week.  When I received the notification from my case manager, I was both relieved and sad.  I was relieved that there would be peace again in my home, and the drama would end.  However, I was sad that I wouldn't be able help her grow into her potential.  I was sad that finding future placements would be even harder for her.  I was sad that the outcome that she wanted wouldn't happen due to her behavior. I just want the best for her life, and I hope that she is able to see the sunshine within herself one day.

I still believe that I am called to adopt an older child, and this experience hasn't changed my mind. I told my agency that I need some time to recover before I restart the search process. I will definitely require more bonding time with the kid before the placement begins to ensure that we're both on the same page about being together and make them aware of the rules, so there's no confusion.

And after the rain, and all that I have been through
I still can't explain how I can still love you like I do
But, I do, yes I do - Betty Wright