That Mother Lode

Before the frozen embryo transfer (FET), I had a hysteroscope surgery where my doctor viewed my uterus to confirm that the fibroids were not intruding and there were no other growths that would prevent pregnancy. A few days later my doctor let me know that everything was okay to move forward. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I said I would start with my next cycle. We scheduled the FET and I started taking estrogen and injecting progesterone in oil (PIO). Those injections were the hardest because they were intramuscular and in my butt. I created a relaxation routine and affirmations again to remind myself that I was doing this hard thing for my baby. On the day of the transfer, I woke up early and drove to the clinic with my mom. This time, I stayed awake during the procedure. There was no anesthesia. I looked at the ultrasound screen the entire time trying to decipher the shades of gray. Once everything was ready, the embryologist brought in my thawed little embryo and the doc...

The big day finally arrived. I woke up from egg retrieval surgery and I couldn't stop crying and shivering. The nurse said it was due to the anesthesia wearing off. I learned that 23 eggs were retrieved and 10 were mature eggs. After the PGT-A lab tests for abnormalities on 8 embryos, I had a consultation with my doctor to discuss the results. How many of my embryos would be viable for pregnancy? If we were playing spades, I only have the high joker and a lower spade in my hand - 1 and a possible. That's disappointing, but I could still win. I only needed 1embryo to succeed. I asked about next steps, and she gave me 3 options. 1. Complete a second IVF cycle to create more embryos. (more money, no guarantee of a better outcome) 2. Have a myomectomy to remove the fibroids before implantation. (long recovery period, risk of hemorrhaging, guaranteed c-section, compromised uterus) 3. Move forward with implantation. (accept the risks, uncomfortable, start over if it doesn't wor...

I've been afraid of needles since I was a child. I developed coping mechanisms over the years, but my heart still races, my temperature rises, and my body tenses when I know I'm about to be stuck with a needle. After receiving approval for IVF, finding donor sperm, and getting the go ahead from my doctor to start the process, I had to do what scared me the most - self-administered nightly injections. They were subcutaneous (under the skin), and I could inject them in my abdomen or thighs. I was required to watch a series of videos about the medications and how to administer the shots. The nurse also gave me a demo in the doctor's office. She recommended that I sit while doing it since I have a history of fainting after shots.  I was very nervous. I told my therapist about my fear of needles a few days before I was to start treatment. She suggested that I try guided meditation to overcome my fear. Why hadn't I thought of that before? She sent me a link to a YouTube video...

In order to complete an IVF cycle, you need sperm and an egg to create an embryo.  However, I don't have a partner.  I wanted a kind, intelligent, healthy co-parent who wanted to be a father even if we weren't romantically involved.  A friend volunteered to be my sperm donor, but it didn't work out.  I decided to explore cryobanks and their limited supply of black donors.  It was like online dating, but with extensive medical and personal details and none of the banal conversations.  In my search, approximately 5% of the donors were black men.  I created a short list of favorites based on carrier status, medical history, and personality traits, and my friend helped me narrow them down.  I felt good about my decision.  I have more information about the donor and myself than most couples have about each other before conceiving.  I sent the selected donor's profile to my doctor's office, and I met with a genetic counselor to review h...

Becoming a parent can be challenging for some people, and it's often a lonely place. This is especially true for those of us who are the first or only in our circle to desire children and choose a different path when it doesn't happen naturally. Catarah and Carlos share their story in the video below and give some insight on the IVF process. I went to FAMU with her sister, but I don't know Catarah directly. Her story resonates with me deeply. I wish the Colemans the very best and pray that they receive the desires of their heart. My path to IVF is not due to infertility, so it's different from others that I know. I actively, and successfully, avoided pregnancy because I wanted to wait on the right partner. The wait is over. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife at this time in my life, and I have no regrets other than not freezing my eggs when I was younger. I look forward to a joyful future and I hope to encourage someone else who is walking a simil...

Last year, I had another teary well-woman exam.  During that visit, my doctor suggested a hysterectomy because of my asymptomatic fibroids, and that made me angry.  I told her that I was in the process of adopting a child, so she thought that meant I had given up on carrying a baby and I would be interested in removing my uterus completely to get rid of the fibroids.  Hearing that I would lose the opportunity to have a biological child made me so angry and sad.  I wanted to preserve my fertility.  I told her I wasn't ready to give up, so she ordered lab tests for my hormone levels and a view of my ovaries to determine if my reproductive system looked healthy.  The results were much better than expected, especially for a woman of "advanced maternal age".  At 42, I decided to pursue egg freezing to preserve my chances of having a baby in the future.  However, my health insurance denied authorization for the procedure AGAIN.  I'm not a quitter....

The ruling by the Alabama Supreme Court that frozen embryos are 'children' sent shock waves throughout the country.  Some fertility clinics in the state immediately paused IVF treatments.  As a woman who has frozen embryos in storage, I am sad, upset, and empathetic for all the people in Alabama who are impacted by this decision.  I am concerned about Texas enacting the same rules and restricting fertility treatments.  I wish that people, especially governing bodies comprised mostly of old men, would stay out of our wombs.  How Alabama's ruling that frozen embryos are 'children' could impact IVF

This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work. This morning, I saw school buses on my way to work. And I cried.  I know I've been in recovery mode for the past few months, and I've been allowing myself to feel all the feelings associated with grief.  I thought I was finally in the acceptance stage.  However, while crying in the bathroom at work this morning, I realized that I'm not there yet.  Something about learning that a new semester just started was very triggering for me.  I remembered that I was supposed to take off this week to help my kid transition to high school, and that wasn't going to happen.  I cried for all the other experiences that we wouldn't have together.  I cried because I missed her.  I cried because she's still in my heart. I have never experienced the loss of a baby, but I imagine that what I am feeling might be similar to what a mother of a stillborn child might feel.  For months, I prepared to welcome this chil...

Me: I just got a call about another investigation... Until a few minutes ago, I was planning to restart the adoption process at the end of the summer. Now, I have doubts. My friend: One bad boyfriend doesn't make you not want to have another one and potentially get married some day, right?  You can't exist as a human being with so much love to give if you don't actually practice giving it, without contingencies. Some will know how to receive it and some won't but YOU can't stop giving it. God, the universe, Abba Father will always cup your heart but a little break will happen. Don't be afraid of it.  Today was a day.  I was surprised to learn that a second licensing investigation was opened on my home.  The first investigation a few weeks ago was about supervision related to the multiple runaway attempts made from my home.  The second investigation was about discipline in my home.  Apparently, the kid reported lies about me, and the investigator had to talk...

Today made 3 weeks since I opened my home to a child that was on my heart for months.  The past 3 weeks started out challenging, which I expected as we adjusted to each other.  I clung to the small moments when I felt like we might be connecting or she liked something that I did for her.  However, those moments were rare.  Instead, there was a lot of disrespect, defiance, and destruction.  She exhibited behaviors that her caseworker and previous foster mother had never seen, and she hated that she was in my home.  I didn't take it personally, because I knew that I didn't say or do anything to hurt her, and I was intentional about loving her.  She just didn't want to be with me, and she acted out in ways that had a very negative impact for her.   The placement ended this week.  When I received the notification from my case manager, I was both relieved and sad.  I was relieved that there would be peace again in my home, and the drama ...